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Their Troubles Really Started When They Went Blond: Lindsay Lohan

My lovely, amazing, and wonderful coworker – the same one, it should be said, who OWNS RYAN - just sent me this great post from Buzzfeed today. The most eye-opening thing?

Is that it really all went downhill for LiLo when she ditched the ginger.

I’m just saying.

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Happy Belated Roodharigendag! (Redhead Facts, #6)

That would be “redhead day” in Dutch, bitches! Remember the Dutch? And in honor of such a wonderful day, I’m linking to this sort-of-awkward-but-sweet Mythbusters-esque creature, Cara Santa Maria, because she gives one of the most complete and well-researched rundowns (and debunking) of redhead myths-and-facts I’ve ever seen in one place, especially by a non-ginger. First and foremost–extinction is NOT a thing, foolios, because recessive traits don’t go away. We’re here to stay. Bwahahahahahahha.

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They Tend To Be Bleeders: Redhead Facts, #5

Or maybe I should be calling this “Redhead Facts, Confirmed Anecdotally.” Case in point – this morning, I got a Hepatitis A vaccine. Why did I get a Hepatitis A vaccine, you ask? I got one because I went to the Galapagos back in April, bitches, and Hep A is a “recommended” vaccine for folks traveling to that region, and that’s just how I roll. But as it turns out Hep A involves a follow-up shot, so off I went for my 6 month booster.

So the nurse gives me a stab, and then gives me another stab in my OTHER arm, for flu, because that is ALSO how I roll, and then brightly goes,” Ok, have a great day!” and heads for the hills, just as both of my arms start spurting fountains of blood. Well, pooling. Well, ok, there was like a dab of blood on each, but I was wearing a really nice shirt, you  know? So I made her come back and give me a Finding Nemo Band-Aid. Two, actually. And as she’s cupping her hands over my sopping red skin she mutters – almost imperceptibly:

“Redheads always bleed more.”

Yes, folks, you heard it here first. Ok, well, you didn’t, really, because I had a lot to write about that day, and I think I skipped the fact that redheads tend to bleed more, which as it turns out is not really a fact at all, but I’m still saying it is, because, gushing.

Me, after this morning. And with no top. I’ll be okay, though.

Also?

Like right before Nurse Hurtland left the room for the second and final time, she added, “Oh, and whenever I give a redhead an IV? I have to be really careful.”

HA! Fuck you, science.

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They’re Inexplicably Half-Man, Half-Mermaid: Netherlands Redhead Convention

Canton, eat your heart out.

(I was about to be all, “NO FAIR!!!! Scots!!” but then I realized the Netherlands is like a different country, and stuff.)

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They Think The Customer’s Really Going To Like It: Elvira

Mr. X is an aficionado of History Channel reality shows. American Pickers, Gold Rush, Ice Road Truckers – he watches them all. I for one cannot stand them, partially because it’s generally a bunch of white guys running around trying to make money, partially because everybody – like, literally EVERYBODY – speaks the exact same way and it drives me crazy. I can only find one other person who’s noticed this – am I otherwise alone?

See, for example, American Chopper. I am aware that AC is not on the History Channel, by the by, but I’m including it because of what I feel is its vocal-inflection flag-shippery.

Did you hear Junior at about 0:20? “It’s not really about THE BIKEIT’S ABOUT spending some time together and seeing how things work out.” Up he goes, and then down. It’s like a sine curve. Same with Pawn Stars:

You don’t even have to be a regular cast member to talk this way…the customer does it at 1:07. So does Rick, at about 1:40…and again at 2:20…and again around 3:20-ish. And honestly, I think that’s probably just the tip of the iceberg…clearly, the History Channel utilizes only one vocal coach, and they utilize him/her well, and possibly also share him/her with Discovery. Or TLC. Or both.

Mike and Frank from American Pickers. I don’t even think I need to point anything out here…everything that comes out of both of their mouths sounds the same.

But I digress.

That would be Elvira. Elvira appeared this week on Counting Cars, which is a spinoff of Pawn Stars, so I suppose I can’t get on them for the speech thing. Instead, I choose to get on Elvira, for not living her life like this:

So pretty, right? I’ll admit to having not fully known who Elvira was before this episode, leaving Mr. X totally appalled. Actually, I’ll admit to still not really knowing who she is, even after doing some research. Vegas-showgirl-turned-risque-movie-star-turned-campy-icon? Apparently the wig grew out of a desire to make her look vampiric, and the red hair never came back. Clearly Jessica was still a ways off, at the time.

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They Had The Baby Already: Mistaken Identities

One thing I don’t think I brought up in my multitudinous discussions of the hazards of being a redhead was the Case of Mistaken Identity – or, as I call it, The Thing That Redheads Have Most In Common With Asians. People think we all look the same. Case in point: a few years ago I was at a party celebrating the end of my masters’ degree program. There had been another redhead in my class who at the time was extremely pregnant. Also, ugly. I just felt the need to point that out.

So I am minding my own business and enjoying my Purple Jesus or whatever it was I enjoyed in those days when a classmate approached me, looked sidelong at my never-pregnant front parts, and said, “Oh…you had the baby already?”

Right? To this day I suppose I should thank god for small favors – she could’ve said, “Oh, you haven’t had the baby yet?”

Coincidentally, that same night another girl (whom I’d never met) grabbed my butt thinking that I was one of her friends. I think the moral of this story is that I needed to get out more in business school. That, and to be glad I have friends who only approach me from the front.

Please see Bully’s Comics for a particularly enlightening interpretation of this topic. Actually, it’s mostly about the comic-book version of this topic. Actually, it’s not really related (except for, you know, Mary Jane) but I’m mostly into it for the picture, which I’ll repost here for posterity.

Courtesy bullyscomics.blogspot.com. awesome. humor. pure genius.

That’s Karen Gillan and Willie Nelson, in case you were having difficulties.

Then again, sometimes this ginger characteristic rings true, but, I mean, who DOESN’T look like someone else, really?

Amy Adams and Isla Fisher. You can tell them apart pretty well here, but I’ll admit to having had some trouble distinguishing them in the past. Isla’s Sacha Baron Cohen’s wife…but Amy starred alongside him in Talledaga Nights. Got that? Here’s a breakdown which really gets into the weeds, although it refers to IF as a redhead and AA as “strawberry blond,” which…eh. We all know how I feel about that (short version: SAME FUCKING THING. Not sure when we started getting the shaft, exactly).

And then again, sometimes the resemblance is just plain uncanny.

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They Have Very High Nipples: This is 40

This here is the trailer for Judd Apatow’s newest movie, This Is 40. I have to say, I find it intriguing. Not sure whether I find it intriguing because a) it’s a spinoff of Knocked Up, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a movie-related spinoff b) it has Melissa McCarthy c) it’s Judd Apatow, whom I have a newfound respect for after plowing through all 10 episodes of Girls d) it showcases Maude Apatow, who is apparently a genius or e) it features Leslie Mann, who is both Judd Apatow’s wife and–get this–Maude Apatow’s mother,and who is not normally a redhead, but is playing a relatively normal if slightly neurotic leading lady in this movie.

Or possibly f) I’m getting close enough to 40 that I actually find this relatable.

 

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